“…dark contemplations is painful to the soul in these beginnings. Since this divine infused contemplation has many extremely good properties, and the still unpurged soul that receives it has many extreme miseries, and because two contraries cannot coexist in one subject, the soul must necessarily undergo affliction and suffering. Because of the purgation of its implications caused by this contemplation, the soul becomes a battlefield in which these two contraries combat one another.” ~ St. John of the Cross
This is my final installment in the series on: “How to Get Rid of Post-Porn Mental Imagery.” In the previous entries, I emphasized the need to surrender to Our Lord Jesus Christ and to avoid temptations in order to prevent relapse. Lastly, and most significantly, the porn abuse survivor must embrace the Cross; meaning, they must embrace suffering. For, St. John continues: “…he [Jesus] prepares individuals by purification more or less severe in accordance with the degree in which he wishes to raise them, and according to their impurity and imperfection.” And, as Our Lady of Fatima stated to the innocent shepherd children: “The sins which lead the most souls to hell are sins of the flesh.” Therefore those who have indulged in pornography, sexual promiscuity, and perversity will have to suffer much in order to be cleansed. For example, immediately after I left porn, even following my first Confession in many years, I was still haunted by the images I had seen and by those corruptions I had taken part in. At night, trying to sleep was like going through a war. I would wake up screaming with the sheets feeling like flames and my body coated in sweat and the blood from the scratch marks covering my back. Sometimes, I would curse God for putting me through this; I asked over and over again why He was punishing me. Even here, St. John offers insight: “…in order to expel all impurity, people feel so unclean and wretched that it seems God is against them and they are against God.” And, this was exactly how I felt: that I had turned to Jesus as a last desperate resort, and now – He was getting back at me for being a bad boy. For this, I didn’t love God, and I believed that He didn’t love me.
This battle would last for years: I continued to distrust and avoid any close contact with God, but I fearfully tried to obey Him – because I knew that being a little terrified of Jesus was better than going back to the truly scary hell I had known. But, in my spiritual life, I knew that this was going nowhere – as I continued to be incessantly tortured by my past and the horrendous things I had done and could not forget. The struggle had left me exhausted. I realized that this was not going to be clean, neat, or easy, but my pushing Christ away, in an attempt to avoid any real pain and suffering, was only making things worse. Then, through the Grace of God, I finally discovered the Truth: “Let Christ crucified be enough for you, and with him suffer and take your rest, and hence annihilate yourself in all inward and outward things.” Only then, did I embrace the suffering which God had deemed to send me: a means of ridding my brain of the horrendous pictures and a way for me, through the redemptive pain of physical and mental agonies, to truly share in the Cross with Jesus, and to be made anew – washed in the blood of Redemption. It still hurt, but I no longer felt alone or frightened. As, Jesus was with me always.