“Everybody has different temptations against impurity and he should guard carefully against them. Some people have a tendency toward infatuations of one kind or another, and they cherish them willfully in their hearts, day in and day out. For just as your bodily nature can lead your body to impurity, so your inward impurity takes away the noble purity of the spirit, and since your spirit is far nobler that your flesh, the sins of the spirit are also graver and more grievous.”~ Johannes Tauler
When anyone decides to leave behind a life of pornography and promiscuity, the first obvious action is to stop those behaviors. And, here, the results are instantaneously clear: you stop looking at porn, you stop masturbating, or you stop having sex with other people. Almost immediately, the body goes through a sort of chemical withdrawal – for, we have become addicted to the rush of endorphin levels that continuously accompanies the excitement of watching erotic material or engaging in sexual activity. Suddenly, that outlet for the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life is gone; substitutes of any kind are oftentimes greedily latched on to; for me, it was food. After leaving porn, I quickly put on about 30 pounds. Yet, what is less evident is the struggle going on inside: within the soul.
After months and then years of going without porn or sex, I became rather self-confident and proud. The body I once regarded as sullied and endlessly diseased, I now took an overwhelming satisfaction in. I thought myself taintless. While, inside, I was still a filthy mess of lust and want. Mentally, and instinctually, I knew that a life of sexual abandon was neither physically nor spiritually healthy, but, a part of me, still missed it. I would often think back with fondness upon a particular lover, or a raucous night-out, or a porn film I had seen. When those thoughts entered my brain, I would almost always try to brush them aside, think of something else, and get back to work. Other times, I didn’t do that. I lingered on them; henceforth, their import and detail became inflated. I questioned the righteousness of God for taking these little moments of “joy” away from me. In a sense, I became angry at Him. I was following orders, but was I doing it with a peaceful heart? I knew the law, but did I understand it? I did what God wanted, but did I truly Love him?
In reality, I didn’t Love Him; I solely feared Him. In the end, I turned to God, because I had nowhere else to go. I was used-up and burned-out; no one wanted me. And as scary as God appeared, I was desperate – and He was my last hope. I tried to please Him, but inside I didn’t Trust Him. Everyone had dumped me; why would He be any different? Therefore, I kept these little secret memories and pleasures within my heart. That was my little escape route; if God abandoned me: I could always go back to them for solace. Except, I could not Love Christ with my whole heart – when I could not give it to Him. And, a large part of the barrier between God and me – was my memories. They would have to go; they could no longer be my armor.