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One of the most influential songs over the span of my life has to be Depeche Mode’s 1989 hit “Personal Jesus.” Since their earlier 80s iconic single “People are People,” the UK gay synth-band had been a favorite of mine. As a high school teenager, I would dance alone in my room to their albums. So, when I first entered the gay clubs in the late 80s, I was elated to hear that their career had been revived with the album “Violator:” which included “Personal Jesus.” I will never forget hearing the lyrics blast through my brain as I became mesmerized by the syncopated twinkling lights in a San Francisco disco:
“Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares…”
It was like attending a gay revival meeting with the hymns all coordinated to the beat of the DJ. Its impact was even greater upon me as “Personal Jesus” was released the same year as Madonna’s “Like a Prayer.” In my head, both of these songs completely reworked my flailing belief in anything about Jesus: now, He was my own god that willingly did my bidding – accepted me for who I was; and supported my every decision. Jesus was whoever I wanted Him to be; even the gay leader of an early homosexual think-tank. Perversity, sex, and faith were fused.
Sadly, over the 25 years since, little has changed in the gay community. For, during many of my outreaches to the Castro, I am endlessly fascinated by the contemporary thinking processes of my gay brothers and sisters concerning their ideas on spirituality; most specifically Christianity. With few exceptions, they all detest “organized” religion, in favor of a quasi-personalistic credo of the one: a faith system singularly based on an individual human being – that inevitably varies from person to person depending upon their certain personal proclivities. Those that hold any sort of affection for Christ, steadfastly stick to the principle that Jesus will anoint them no matter what they do – as long as they think they are doing the right thing. At first, because of their sincere earnestness, the arguments sound rather convincing; but, what does this philosophy really have to do with the true Biblical Jesus?
In the end, it’s a completely lost way of thinking; for, as experience taught me, in that life – my center and my boundaries were always changing: what I thought of as decent and correct as a gay 18 year old changed radically by the time I was burned-out and pushing 30. Because, what revolted me as a rather naïve teen became holy and sacramental after a decade within the sordid obstinacy of the gay sex scene. Therefore, in reality my personal Jesus had turned into my personal Satan. One had morphed into the other, and I was now a slave.
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