“Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” (James 5: 14-16)
When Satan was finally done with me, and after he tried to pull my soul to hell, Christ took pity on the wretch I was and reached out His Loving hands; afterwards, I knew right away that I had to do something; But what? The answer was simple: I needed to be forgiven for all I had done. For the next few days, after my near brush with death, I laid in bed going over it all in my head: most of the stuff I had done I couldn’t remember. Informally, I just kind of asked God’s forgiveness as I went along. This half hazard approach left me wondering and wholly unsatisfied. I wanted to feel, hear, and know for sure that Jesus forgave me. There, beaten and battered, I experienced a singular sort of desolation and loneliness. God felt distant and remote. I began to think of myself as the woman with the hemorrhage, straining to reach out and touch the hem of Christ’s garment; If I could only touch Him I thought.
Not knowing where to go or who to turn to, I went to church; I didn’t know what I was going to do there or what would happen, but it felt like a place of refuge; this always reminds of the penultimate scene in the classic sci-fi movie “War of the Worlds,” when the city of Los Angeles is empty and falling into destruction, but all the churches are filled with the lost and hopeless seeking shelter. That was me, wayward and wandering, but hopeful. While in the church, I remembered from my youth the Sacrament of Penance. I thought, perhaps there I could find protection and hear the voice of Christ offering His forgiveness. Then, like the image of a faded photograph, a memory came forth of a courageous and kindly priest I had known many years before. It had been so long since I had seen him, perhaps, I thought, he was still in the midst of battle and even now fighting for the Lord. Blessedly, I tracked him down and made an appointment.
The first thing I noticed was the priest had gotten older of course, a bit more hunched over, yet still solidly alert. He looked like a returning soldier from a war, somewhat battle weary, but surer of himself and his abilities. Taking a cue from our phone conversation, he took me immediately into the Confessional. Beforehand, I had written down everything on a little piece of paper. About fifteen or so sins; I had done a little study in “The Catechism of the Catholic Church” and knew positively that I had broken nine of the Ten Commandments; even though I was not sure about “Thou shall not kill,” as I had once overheard a conversation referring to a possible snuff film and did nothing about it. During the Confession, I was so ashamed that I tended to be overly general which elicited some questions from the priest. Overall, it was done rather quickly, and he absolved me.
Walking out, I thought to myself: I was free. It was so amazing, it didn’t sink in. Then, Satan began to put doubts into my head: You are too fallen to be forgiven; You will always be filthy; God didn’t forgive you; You have been deceived; God has tricked you. In general, I believed these lies. For months, I was burdened. My life became my past; and my past was my sins. I became that thing that was ugly. Yet, longingly, I always wanted Christ; I yearned for Him so deeply that it caused me much pain. Only, pride kept bringing me back to myself: Jesus could not love me. Somehow, God gave me the strength: I kept going to Confession, I went to Mass, and I prayed. Unlike in my old life, I fostered an extremely solitary existence: I cut old friends and lovers off, didn’t watch TV, go to films, or listen to music; I read spiritual works and spent much time in contemplation – often reading the Psalms, which would make me weep endlessly. Then, slowly, the Lord softened the hardness of my heart and the mistrust fell away. Lastly, a devout priest prayed over me and I was delivered from the demons of doubt and suspicion. That which began in the Confession, my absolution, grew into the Love I had for Christ. Then, I could hear the words of Christ – and I could believe them.
*Some suggestions for those Catholics returning to the Sacrament of Penance after years of being away; especially for those involved in homosexuality and other sexual sins:
Urgency is good, if you have not gone for a long time, and want to go to Confession, go right away; don’t put it off.
Therefore as quickly as possible, do the following:
Ask Catholic relatives and friends to suggest a Catholic priest that could be your confessor; if you are in the gay lifestyle, I suggest going to a priest that is associated with the Courage apostolate.
Spend some time in recollection and prayer; ask for strength and courage; review the Ten Commandments; read some Scripture, in particular Matthew 10:40, Luke 10:16, and Luke 24: 45-49.
If possible, make a private appointment with a priest, therefore you may feel less nervous than if you stand in a confessional line; you may also feel less constrained by time if you make a private appointment.
The tendency of some who have been away from the Sacrament, or been involved in sexual sins, is be evasive or, conversely, over descriptive when recounting sins. Instead, simply say what you did; for example, I had sexual intercourse with a man; or I had sexual intercourse with a married woman; do not give details such as anal or oral sex. A priest has never asked me to be more descriptive; he may ask about your marital status, the marital status of the person you were involved with, or the frequency of the sin.
Try not to be anxious or embarrassed. The priest is simply the conduit to Christ. As in the early Church, he is God’s instrument; for this reason, I always prefer to confess my sins behind the screen; not in the more modern face to face fashion. In reality, you are confessing these sins to Christ, not to the priest. For, through Our Lord, the priest has been given the power to heal and to bestow the forgiveness of God. Therefore, as we are approaching God Himself, pride has no place in the Confessional; come forward with humility; crawl to the Lord, and He will raise you up and take you in His arms.
Also, try to memorize the Act of Contrition or bring a holy card imprinted with the prayer.
Lastly, put you Faith and Trust in Our Lord Jesus Christ. If you earnestly desire His forgiveness, He will forgive you.