 |
| Neil Patrick Harris is the ultimate wimpy-boy. |
 |
| Tom of Finland as the gay masculine ideal. |
 |
| In the 1990s, bulked-up; trying and failing to do my best Brando-flashing. |
In a recent interview, describing his role as a transsexual singer in the Broadway musical “Hedwig and the Angry Inch,” star Neil Patrick Harris said: “Hedwig is bringing up a lot of super insecure things within me…I’ve lived my whole life being attracted by masculinity - it's why I like guys. I’m not a super effete person, and I have to turn into that, and in doing so it brings up a lot of homophobic insecurities within myself.”
This ultimately sad quote reminds me of a very important, but little referenced, study headed by a distinguished group of NYU doctors entitled: “Body dissatisfaction and eating disorders in a sample of gay and bisexual men.” In it, they describe the often frantic and manic depressive fascination gay men have with some grotesque image of unrealistic masculinity - that really only exists in their mind. For the most part, they ascribe this neurosis to early childhood traumas:
“Since gay men are often pathologized as effeminate and weak, men may strive for what is regarded as masculine and powerful in an attempt to compensate for a degraded social status (Kimmel & Mahalik, 2005; Wood, 2004). Strong, Singh, and Randall (2000) found that gay men reported greater levels of childhood gender non-conformity than heterosexual men, and further, that childhood gender non-conformity was associated with adult body dissatisfaction, regardless of sexual orientation. Many gay men were teased or criticized during childhood for behaviors, thoughts, and physical characteristics that were considered feminine, ‘weak,’ or gender non-conforming (Strong et al.; Wood). Along these lines, internalized homophobia, which is also referred to as internalized homonegativity, is the result of an internalization of anti-gay stigma experienced by gay men living within a largely heterosexual society (Kimmel & Mahalik; Meyer, 2003). Internalized homophobia may play a role in how gay men perceive their bodies (Halkitis et al., 2004; Kimmel & Mahalik; Williamson, 1999). Body image and masculinity are also inextricably tied to gay men's sexuality.”
This tragic weak boy, who grows up obsessed with masculinity, though not finding it within himself, seems to have been fully realized in the fictional character of the nerdy Doogie Howser, coincidentally played by the very young Patrick Harris. Harris’ own preoccupation with remaking himself can be clearly seen with regards to his adult fixation for buffing up his once waif-like physique and the constant paranoid need to go naked or shirtless in every photo-shoot. Strangely enough, I can totally relate; as I grew up a thin, uncoordinated, squeaky-voiced boy. Right away, my childhood heroes became the ultra-masculine Six Million Dollar Man, Gil Gerard in “Buck Rogers,” and Harrison Ford as Han-Solo and Indiana Jones. At 18 years of age, once I got into the gay world, I saw living incarnations of my childhood fantasies; and, I longed to be like them. Therefore, I started eating right and working-out; and for the first time in my life, I had over 200lbs on my once gangly 6.’2” frame. I started wearing a leather harness while stomping about in black leather boots. I thought I was a Tom of Finland freak come to life. Yet, the more I preened and posed, the more I broke-down: I became less sure, less confident, and more reliant upon a body that was beginning to fail and ultimately flop. When that was all taken away, it was just me again; and, I was that same frightened little boy.