After leaving a life in porn or a porn addiction, one is immediately faced with the reality that our brains are now filled with thousands, if not millions, of past porn images. Oftentimes, this post traumatic memory can cause incredible suffering as the victim tries to leave behind the feelings and emotions the images originally stirred up in the body and in the brain. Adding to the misery, the mind which has been trained to process porn will be an overly efficient storehouse of numerous perverse images: categorizing the pictures and recording minute details that are later flashed again like some devilish reoccurring nightmare. Many times, this results in the sufferer becoming discouraged and ultimately succumbing to the torture and returning to the vice of porn watching. These lapses can cause the images to gain a stronghold within the person, as each successive “failure” makes them grow stronger and the plagued soul seemingly diminishes in its ability to overcome them.
When combating these unwanted memories, we must first realize that they were placed in our head by the devil; therefore, we are really totally powerless to remove them - only the Lord Jesus Christ and His angels have that authority. On this point, the incredibly brilliant St. John of the Cross wrote about the devil’s ability to manipulate the brain activity of certain inclined individuals, even those who are attempting to overcome their past reliance upon sensual pleasures of the flesh: “The devil…takes advantage of the sensory appetites…When he is unable to stir these appetites, he produces a great variety of images in the imagination. He is sometimes the cause of many movements in the sensory part of the soul and of many disturbances, spiritual as well as sensory.” Consequently, when we mightily push and pull and struggle with the enemy, even with the best possible motives and intentions, we will invariably fall short if we do not rely solely on the Grace of God. Case in point, a few months after getting out of porn, I had several self-congratulatory thoughts that I had the problem well under control: I cut myself off from the gay community, never looked at porn, and set up certain self-imposed barriers of morality and action which I thought best served my personal proclivities and lifestyle. This was all based on me; what I could easily accomplish; and what I was comfortable with. I was working God around me. Making Him fit into my life; purposefully avoiding the pain. Without surprise, the house I built upon the shifting sands of my animalistic lusts and passions quickly came tumbling down.
What I did not realize was that there was more than one force within myself; as I thought the interior of Joseph was solely inhabited by Joseph. In reality, there was the soul God created within me, and the devil who constantly tried to direct all of my decisions, memories, and emotions. Again, St. John wrote: “It is not in a person’s power to be free of these [destructive memories] until the Lord sends his angel, as is said in the psalm, round about them that fear him and delivers them [Ps. 34:7], and until he brings peace and tranquility in both the sensory and the spiritual parts of the soul.” Therefore, to accept the fact that we need the power of Christ and His angels to overcome the thrashings of the devil - is indeed the greatest step to eventually forgetting and wiping away those memories. If we attempt to do this alone, we will actually be causing more harm to ourselves. Because, the devil will consistently defeat us, subsequently building up his own armies, while we repeatedly withdraw, retreat and capitulate. For Christ said of the unclean spirit which returns to one he previously possessed: “Then he goeth and taketh with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and entering in they dwell there. And the last state of that man becomes worse than the first.” (Luke 11:26)
To be continued…