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| Station of the Cross at St. Ignatius in San Francisco. |
“The more I am exalted, Jesus, the more I want you to humble me in my heart, showing me what I have been, and what I will be if you leave me.” ~ St. Josemaria Escriva
Probably the question and comment I receive most often goes something like this: “I am doing this and that and praying and going to Mass, yet I still fall back into porn viewing and masturbation.” Since, I have been there – I can completely relate. For, it’s very disheartening when you work so diligently to remain chaste and pure and then you have these major setbacks. First of all: perhaps, choose not to look at these moments as setbacks. For instance, I remember when I had my biggest crash and burn, about 12 years ago, it came at a point in my spiritual journey when I was still rather new, somewhat confident, and rather proud that I had gone from being a man who had multiple sex partners every week to having none. In my estimation, I believed that I had done much of this: it had been the result of my sheer will-power and personal fortitude. Of course, God was there helping me – but, I had done it. Soon, I took a major tumble. I felt as if God had abandoned me. I didn’t know what I could have possibly done wrong.
The problem arose from a lack of humility. I was beginning to rely heavily upon myself; and not on God. I was putting Faith in my own abilities and strengths. I forgot where it had all come from in the first place. When that happened, I messed up. Then, I could have wallowed for weeks and months in self-hate and dramatic despondency or I could have rubbed the dirt from eyes, looked up at the Lord, and gotten back up. Well, for a while – I did sit around and self-righteously sob about what a horrible sinner I was, how I let God down, and how I was undeserving of His forgiveness and love. But, in the end, all that weeping came to nothing. Only then, did I start to pray again. And, most efficaciously, I began to most fervently practice The Stations of the Cross devotion. I was feeling the closest to Christ during those several falls He took on the long road to Calvary. After my own little misstep, looking all the time much smaller in comparison, it all seemed familiar to me. And, He felt closer. I began to wonder if that was not His purpose in it all: to draw me nearer to Him.
Then I realized that the big mistakes, like the one I just made, and the littler ones as well, were all part of the process: a purification of my mind, body, and soul; a deepening of my relationship with Christ. For, in those dark and desperate moments of sadness and failure – I found myself truly turning towards Him. In those most lonely hours, I knew that He was the only one with me; that He was the only one who could truly help me; because, despite my own belief in the powers of individual determination, I understood that even that had failed. I wasn’t being punished, I wasn’t being forsaken, and the Lord was not angry with me. But, He was inviting me to be next to Him, but, as St. Josemaria said, He was also showing me what I had been, what I had forgotten in my boastfulness, and how quickly I could return to my old ways if I tried to go it alone. Therefore, when you do turn away from Christ, and as quickly as you left Him – pivot right away back to Him. For, He is always with you, and like the Father of the prodigal son, rejoices when you come back. Run straight to Him, because the devil wants you down on the ground, beaten, and unwilling to rise. He wants you to feel ashamed and stupid, for then, the devil will whisper that the Lord has left you. Only, don’t believe a single word; as Jesus carried his Cross, he too will carry us.