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| St. Bernard of Clairvaux, early-14th Century. |
“When I was dying on the cross, I was not thinking about Myself, but about poor sinners, and I prayed for them to My Father...There is but one price at which souls are bought, and that is suffering united to My suffering on the cross. Pure love understands these words; carnal love will never understand them.” ~The Diary of Divine Mercy
When I was lifted from hell by the Lord, and brought back into the fold, I thought everything would be like “good morning starshine.” The heartache was over, the torment was over, and the suffering was over. While Jesus did heal me of the endless and restless longings which caused much of my torturous existence within the twin snake pits of homosexuality and porn; I did not yet understand what the scope and intensity of my relationship would now be with Him. I guess I thought of Him as a big cosmic candy-man; if I was a good little boy I would get a treat for obedient behavior. When I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, I got mad, threw a temper tantrum, and sulked. I was incredibly immature in the spiritual sense. I had very much to learn.
As the months went by, and my body started to break down from the years of endless partying, sex, and venereal diseases, I lashed out at Jesus. I accused Him of making false promises, of vengefully punishing me, and of abandonment. In a flash of petulance, I refused to talk with Him; I stopped praying, put the TV back on, and contemplated returning to San Francisco and the life He rescued me from. Then, I got hit with another, even more serious health complication. I didn’t know what to do. Oftentimes, I was left alone, half-naked, lying on cold metal tables, while incessant tests were performed on my battered body. During those times of being utterly alone, I thought of Jesus, I wanted Him, and I wanted Him to want me. I prayed, but asked for nothing. I just wanted His presence.
To my surprise, He showered upon me a series of locutions and consolations. I felt stupid, overwhelmed, and unworthy. Yet, these feeling were all coming from my prideful self that liked to make my sins bigger than God, that thought myself unlovable and unforgivable, and from my habitual practice of always considering everything in relation to how it affects me. When I should have been thanking and praising God, I was analyzing and second-guessing His actions. I did this because, even though Jesus had shown me so much Love, I was not fully willing to Trust. The reason? I was guarded and afraid because I was still prideful. For, in my heart, I thought that suffering was useless and idiotic; and, that even Christ’s death on the Cross was senseless. Although the Lord was inviting me to join him at Calvary, I purposely stayed away. I didn’t want to see anything unpleasant; I wanted everything to be neat and easy.
Author’s note – what I have learned and what I would like to share: Remember, that if you have (or you are currently) living a life of sin, return to Our Lord Jesus Christ as He wants to Love you so very much. But, then, do not be fooled and deceived into thinking that now everything will be taken care of, and your life will be without struggle. Yes, you will find great relief and peace while being embraced by the Lord, but you will also need to be thoroughly purified. And, the most effective means of doing this is through suffering. Because, when we are stripped of everything: our health, our self-assuredness, and our pride, we only have Our Lord to turn to. God performed this marvel in a very powerful way for me: when I left homosexuality and porn – my insides were ripped apart. I was often left naked, cold, and alone in front of numerous doctors and nurses. All my arrogance disappeared, and I could only depend on Christ. I would just say to Jesus: Please Christ – you take it. And, He did.