In 1995, along with a troupe of other gay men, I went and saw the film “Showgirls.” The movie was directed by Paul Verhoeven, who, at the time, I thought was a genius. A few years before, I somehow got to be an extra in the famous picture he shot primarily in San Francisco: “Basic Instinct.” “Showgirls” was his follow-up. I always admired Verhoeven, he was willing to examine the dark side. When “Basic Instinct” premiered in San Francisco, while a large group of lesbian protesters yelled loudly against the film’s supposed unflattering take on the female gay lifestyle. After the fact, some gay friends still looked bemused at me when I told them I had been in the movie. As for myself, in 95, I was getting quickly burned-out. I had been involved with pornography for over 5 years, and it was going nowhere. The year before, my gay porn idol, Joey Stefano, whom I named myself after, died in a cheap Hollywood motel room. I was tired and desperate. Yet, after I watched “Showgirls,” I felt a strange boost of energy…and hope.
The star of “Showgirls,” Elizabeth Berkeley, was a former child actor from the 80s show “Saved by the Bell.” With the help of Verhoeven, she was trying to dispel her good-girl image. On that, she was successful. In fact, some of the mock sex-scenes in “Showgirls,” even shocked me a little. Not that I hadn’t seen, or done, those things before, but for the fact that they were so prominently featured in a large-scale production. And, this was the era before the self-made celebrity porn star like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Then, those that willingly performed public acts of extreme sexuality were the separated few. Porn stars still existed; Jenna Jameson was at her zenith. The public had yet to be completely pulled in; that would happen only as the millennium approached. But, the main reason for my new sense of purpose was the “Showgirls” storyline itself. The Berkeley character was completely devoid of any sexual morality or hang-ups: she did what she wanted; and did whomever she wanted – men and women alike. That was the exact person I always aimed to be: my own god.
In addition, “Showgirls” was one of those bizarre moments in film history when the actor and the fictional character become one. Hence, after the movie bombed, Berkeley’s quest for movie-stardom ended as quickly as it begun. For, the plot mirrored real life: the relentless quest for stardom at any cost: the person Berkeley played would do anything for it; and Berkeley sold herself in order to play her. Then, I saw this as far from tragic, but as a renunciation of outdated Christian ethics. This was a new era. Now, everything is so very different. I haven’t seen the film since 95, but when I looked at the trailer again – I was reminded: how expertly Verhoeven took the most base, gross, and tawdry aspects of human society, laid them bare, and made them look almost blindingly glamorous. It was porn deified. The classic “All About Eve” turned into a hardcore fantasy: complete with the same luxurious costumes, over-the-top grande-dames, and bitchy dialogue. For this reason, “Showgirls” continues to resonate with gay male audiences; hence its repeated showings at The Castro Theater. Only, underneath all the glitz, like porn, and the gay lifestyle itself, there was something sad about the movie; of a lost innocence that was never really there. In 1995, it cast a spell over me and I would spend another 4 years in hell.