But I say to the unmarried, and to the widows: It is good for them if they so continue, even as I.
(1 Corinthians 7)
Joseph, why are you chaste? This is a question I receive often from readers of my blog, and from those who have heard me on the radio, or seen one of my YouTube videos. Well, to put it simply, as the Catholic Church teaches, all those who carry the Cross of same-sex attraction are called to a life of Holy Chastity. This was not something that I came to accept immediately after leaving porn and the gay lifestyle. After breaking free from the grip of San Francisco, all I wanted to do was run and hide. I didn’t really have the strength to face anything. In desperation, I applied to several monastic orders; all but one – turned me down. While I was living deep within the woods of rural Pennsylvania, the Lord took away all concupiscence: I never had a stray sexual thought, a nocturnal emission, or even an erection. It was like being in a medically induced coma. For God knew how damaged my body and soul were. He took away all unnecessary functions; and just let me heal. Those nearly two years of rest were some of the most blissful of my life. It was like being constantly cradled in the arms of Saint Joseph. I was the little boy Jesus, and all I got fed to me was Love and guidance. When the Lord took me out of that life, unhappily, I got thrown right back into the sullied world of California. I did not want to return. When I did get back home, I was lonely and disturbed. There were too many temptations; too many distractions. There was noise, so many people, and the ever encroaching media. Men and women were talking in church. Were was my solitude? I had no peace within myself. Then, all the old thoughts came rushing forward. I felt alone. I got depressed. I thought: Maybe that old life was not so bad. I wondered if I should go back. I guess, I had forgotten that my life almost ended just a couple of years before. What was drawing me once again to a life of sin?
I needed to look deep within my mind. The Lord healed my body, but inside I was still sick. I had a lot of fear about some imagined form of Divine Retribution. Was all this sanctity just a mirage? Wasn’t I too filthy for the Lord to forgive? Was I just fooling myself? Then, I intensified a practice that I first began in the religious life: meditation. Thankfully, a Carmelite Monastery existed nearby. I sequestered myself in their chapel for hours a day. It was blissfully quiet. God took me to all the places I didn’t want to go; but dreadfully needed to. Back in time. To the first moment I was hurt. To all those incidents that brought me shame and embarrassment: when I drooled over pornography as a pre-pubescent boy; when I became unsure of myself; when kids made fun of me; when I longed to be with a man; when I succumbed to perversion. All those wounds needed to be discovered and healed. God revealed all this to me. I understood. Slowly, I realized why I had done what I did. The dirty power of the past was lessened over me. I was renewed. Sex was no longer the center of my existence. I did not need to have sex in order to find solace. I did need to give sex in order to find love. And, I realized that companionship was possible, without sex. I was free. Subsequently, my relationship with Jesus became much more intimate. I focused all of my energy upon Him. He loved me; and did not demand anything in return. I could just be. He made me a whole man; while being a chaste man. I did not need to prove my masculinity through sex. My manhood was based upon my Love for Christ. And, I loved Him with my whole being. He was all I needed. What I looked for, in so many men, I finally found in the loving embrace of Our Lord. He is the only Lover that I will ever want.
Part of this acquiescence to chastity rests in the knowledge that God imparted to me. He healed me, but not all the images and memories were taken away. They have faded and dulled over time, but they still very much survive. For this reason, an intimate relationship with anyone, of either sex, is a recognized impossibility for me. But I do not state this with sadness. This realization comes as a relief. Since, I am no longer on that restless quest, that occupies so much of many gay men's lives, for the partner or ultimate sexual bonding which may bring about happiness. I know that such a thing can not come from any Earthly being, but only from God.