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The Fantasy of Gay Male Monogamy

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Gay men's sexual practices appear to be consistent with the concept of “monogamy without fidelity.” A study of gay men attending circuit parties showed that 46% were coupled, that is, they claimed to have a “primary partner.” 27% of the men with primary partners “had multiple sex partners (oral or anal) during their most recent circuit party weekend.” For gay men, sex outside the primary relationship is ubiquitous even during the first year. Gay men reportedly have sex with someone other than their partner in 66% of relationships within the first year, rising to approximately 90% if the relationship endures over five years. A more interesting study titled: “Beyond Monogamy: Lessons from Long-Term Male Couples In Non-Monogamous Relationships,” reveals just how “open” gay marriages are. According to the research:
We asked couples when they opened their relationships:
42% made an agreement to be open within the first 3 months, and by the end of the first year, 49% of all study couples had opened their relationship.
The rest of the couples took from 1 year to 26 years to open their relationship – with the average being 6 6 years and the median 5 years.
10% of couples opened their relationship between year 1 and year 5.
17% of couples opened their relationship between year 5 and year 7.
24% of couples opened their relationship after year 7.
This is consistent with the findings of Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. and James Witte, Ph.D. who collected data from 100,000 respondents for their book The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship. They report: “About half of all gay male couples in America allow infidelity based on the rules the couple negotiates together. While this is incomprehensible to many people in heterosexual and lesbian relationships…many of these couples seem to be able to maintain long-term, highly committed, and happy relationships without being monogamous.”
Now, I would like to interject some of my own individual experiences and observations as a man who was formally in the gay lifestyle. Back in the 1990s, I had several relationships with so-called “monogamous” or “married” gay men. Without exception, they were all in open marriages. A date with a married guy usually consisted of meeting his husband first and then commencing our sexual relations; usually in the same couples home. More often, the couples would like to invite a third male into their bedrooms. As the studies showed, age was usually the main factor with these couples; with older and more mature men being increasingly likely to accept an open relationship. Years of false monogamy played no difference. I vividly recall a new client of mine, who was in his 60s, asking me to visit his older husband, who was in his 80s, at residence in a nursing-home, in order to pleasure the man as a personal favor.
For the most part, I believe that there are some gay male couples who truly attempt, and perhaps succeed, in being truly monogamous; though in my over 10 years in the gay lifestyle, I never met a single one. Therefore, the push for gay marriage is emerging from a very small sector of the gay population; goaded by their heterosexual liberal counterparts. The others, like I did back in the days of anger concerning gays in the military, are just there to support the cause. They have no intention of joining the rank and file “happily” wedded gay men. It's all a fantasy world; much like gay culture itself. Because the gay man is always seeking out, beyond the boundaries of his own self, the magic elixir that will heal all the pain of his childhood and lost sense of masculinity. Nothing works; and neither will the legalization of gay marriage. Only the Love of the One True God can make the blind see, the lame walk, and the wounded healed. 





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