I have been rather reticent to comment on this issue, although, in my book, I do write about my experiences in a religious community, but that was only in relation to my own spiritual journey. With all the ridiculous reporting going on in the wake of the Holy Father's decision to retire, I now feel compelled to shed some light on the subject of homosexuality in the priesthood:
This takes me back to 1999, after I made my last porn film, and leaving the gay lifestyle. Once I confessed my sins, I quickly panicked and decided to join a monastic community; not in any real deference to a religious vocation, but in a lame attempt to hide and protect myself from the world. I visited several; all in the Northeast. All of them turned me down because of my age, I was 29 at the time, and or because of my sordid past; I did not reveal to anyone the full extent of my former degradation. Almost giving up, I was accepted by a relatively new community of priests in Pennsylvania. They were secluded in the forested mountains of the Poconos, far from civilization, and I loved it. Little did I know, they only took me in as one of the priests had ulterior motives. As time went by, I came to realize that some of the fathers were engaging in homosexual relationships with both teen-age and college age boys and young men. It’s a rather long story, and if you want to read the full length version, buy my book, but I eventually left and returned to California.
When I got home, I was devastated. I couldn’t comprehend what had happened to me. A priest had been my savior. He brought me back to God. They were other worldly to me; almost not human. They were my new idols. Now, the images had fallen. I started to doubt everything; even God. Foolishly, I ran away again; looking for another priest to save and defend me. More disappointment and betrayal followed. Suddenly, there appeared a young newly ordained priest: humble, quiet, hard-working, and lacking the star-power of my former obsessions. He freed me from the snares of the devil. Immediately, I was no longer ruled by fear; and did not need to go constantly looking for my Earthy deliverer. Then, I could rest, heal, and ponder on all that had happened. The anger towards those who disappointed me was gone.
Back in my days around the Castro, I remember occasionally bumping into trolling Catholic priests. I didn’t give it much thought: just mentioned it to another friend: “Isn’t that creepy.” Towards the end of my term in hell, I met a rather determined gay priest who pursued me almost endlessly. E-mail just emerged as a new form of communication, and he sent me dozens. I played along for a while, and then moved on. I didn’t think much of priests. Ever since I was a kid, my image of priests had been elderly, rather neutered, with an Irish accent. When the Lord led me home, for some weird reason, I knew that they held the key to my forgiveness. I had to confess. I tracked down a rather mild mannered priest that had once quickly impressed me as a teenager. But then, I was already set on leaving the Church and one good priest was not enough of a reason for me to stay. When I needed to know that the Lord could forgive me, like the hapless Centurion in The Robe, who asks St. Peter to forgive him for crucifying Jesus, I too went to an apostle of the Lord: a priest (in persona Christi.) Jesus has given them, just the apostles before, the power to forgive, exorcise demons, and to bring us the Body of Blood of Christ. But they are not the Lord; they are merely men. And just as the great follower of Christ, St. Peter, fled into the night, they are often all too-human.
That, I needed to learn. I wanted a savior here on Earth, but my only true protector is the Lord. Jesus gave us his consecrated servants to guide us onto the right path, but they are not a replacement. Priests fall, they error, and they sin. But as with homosexuals, who are also called to live a life of chastity (referred to as celibacy in the religious life,) the demonic powers of hell have reserved some particularly heinous tortures for them. I once thought to myself, after a young man told me that one of the priests in my community had molested him, “Wow…when priests fall, they really fall hard.” It was the most tragic and heinous types of crimes: against children, the naive, and the overly-trusting. When the devil takes down the graced, he really takes them down. But I could relate: as when I fell into sexual corruption, I cascaded as far down as I possibly could. I embraced fully the devil’s wickedness. For the fallen priests that I knew, all their temptations lied within the worlds of homosexuality and pedophilia (which I believe are linked.) In hindsight, they never should have been allowed to become priests in the first place. The homosexual burden is a cumbersome one; others may disagree, but I think it should preclude one from the priesthood. Right now, those with the proclivity need to be rooted out and placed in an environment in which their influence is limited. In the future, screening of prospective priests must be rigorous and unrelenting.
I realize that my recommendations might sound draconian, but it will save all from a great deal of needless suffering. From spending an enormous deal of time with all types of religious men and women, and knowing full well that the cross of homosexuality is one that must be carried with a great deal of attention: the religious life, with its many demands upon the person, prohibits such constant focus on oneself. The priesthood is not a place to become a man; a candidate must arrive already cemented in their manhood. As with those chosen to become exorcists: these priests must be of the highest spiritual standard of an extremely mature moral character. In my opinion, in this day, all priests must rise to the caliber of the exorcist, for they are constantly required to do daily battle with the evil one. If the devil perceives such a major weakness in priests, as homosexuality, he will ruthlessly exploit it. A priest that is constantly battling with himself, cannot battle the demons of hell. He becomes not a solider on the front lines, but a casualty of war; taking others down with him. Priests must be pure and militant. And not that homosexuals cannot be pure; some of the holiest men I have ever met have struggled with sexual perversion. But, this is a time of intense fighting and demonic intimidation: we need our best men. Now!