In the same blog on the “Spiritual Friendship“ site, that Deacon Russell so adeptly answered, (see: http://www.josephsciambra.com/2015/09/guest-blog-redline-response-to-ron.html) Mr. Belgau also mentioned that, referring to an article I wrote about my less than holy experiences with a failed “spiritual friendship,” perhaps my personal calamity was influenced by the “confessional culture” in the Courage meetings where I met my “friend.” Although I have written about how I often found some group discussions in Courage, especially those surrounding the current struggles of other members, to be repetitive and unhelpful, it had nothing to do directly with why my efforts to create a chaste bond with a man morphed into homosexual activity. Anyway, the group of men who met at Courage in San Francisco during the late-90s and early-00s, the time-span I was regularly attending, were, like myself, a fairly experienced lot and nothing they said could have shocked, surprised, or upset me in the least. And, during those years, I never once thought that our priest sponsor sat back and allowed anyone get overly descriptive. In retrospect, why my “spiritual friendship” failed was precisely for the same reason that I have concerns with Mr. Belgau and his associates - because, like them, I was still rather stubbornly holding on to the gay identity. Back then, for all intents and purposes, I was still “gay.” I certainly wasn’t acting on that inclination, but, to myself and to almost everyone I knew: I was gay, and that was the way it was going to be.
Even though, I still subscribed to the gay identity, and occasionally experienced same-sex attractions, I thought I had it under control. I had nothing under control. When I began the “spiritual friendship,” I fell in love with the guy, but I kept telling myself that it was a chaste and healthy affection. It wasn’t. Because so much was still unsaid (unhealed) within me, for instance, I hadn’t even begun to psychologically delve into the trauma and sadness of my youth; I was really in no position to judge what was possibly chaste and what was a clear occasion of sin. I couldn’t see it. Why? Because, like the “Spiritual Friends” I was still viewing reality through a gay lens; seeing things in a “disordered” way; as someone on the “Spiritual Friendship” site recently remarked: “…delighting in certain men in a way that was distinctly gay.” It didn’t matter that I was imposing chastity on that “gay” way of seeing since the “gay” part twisted the whole project. Therefore, the relationship was doomed from the beginning. Now, that I am no longer a homosexual, I have beautiful and “spiritual” friendships with men; and, this is only a possibility given that any latent sexual aspect to our relationship is missing. With two self-avowed gays, even with the noblest of intentions, the sexual dynamic will always remain - which I think we must be constantly reminded is “…a pervasive and strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil.”
In conclusion: part of me rather likes Mr. Belgau’s writing style, unlike my own, it’s very precise and methodical. He has clearly thought about this issue very deeply. He has the gift to plainly arrive at a conclusion and then the ability to explain fully his reasons behind it. But, I think he lacks real-world experience. Because, when the human heart is at play, all those tidy theories seem to magically dissipate. I will never forget, in the midst of trying so hard to keep things pure and unblemished between me and my friend, only, one night - when we were talking: I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine; after that, nothing else mattered. I would have turned my back on Christ at that moment - and, I did. My point? If we still have that same-sex longing within us, and this is certainly the case when we are describing ourselves as “gay,” fostering a particularly close relationship with someone of the same sex, who is also self-identifying as gay, is - at best, an extremely reckless idea. Because, I guarantee you: when things get heated, and it almost always happens unintentionally, and there is a possibility of sex, somehow everyone just gets into bed. This fact is not crass or pessimistic, it’s just a place that I finally arrived at after much falling and much humiliation: we are weak, we are sinful, and we are prone to failure; realizing that is a good sign; and it gives us peace, but also makes us cautious.