“Those who are married in the temple for all time and eternity obtain the blessing of eternal lives. I put stress on eternal lives. Eternal life is God's life, that is, to be like him. Eternal lives means eternal increase--the continuation, as the revelation says, of the seeds forever. To be married outside of the temple is for time only.” ~ Tenth LDS President Joseph Fielding Smith (1876-1972), in volume 4 of his book, Answers to Gospel Questions, (p.197).
At the heart of the recent TLC reality show “My Husband’s Not Gay” is a little understood, outside of Latter-Day Saints’ circles, or discussed Mormon dogma of “Exaltation.” While watching the TLC program, I immediately noticed the desperate tension within each man - a restless desire to be married and to have children despite their continuing attractions towards those of the same sex. This was somewhat alien to me as my experiences in the Catholic apostolate of Courage have been rather different, as those men are often drawn there in order to live a holy life in union with Christ through chastity. While some do have the desire to “convert,” usually through “reparative” therapy, and perhaps marry women - it is not a driving force. Yet, this is not the case with the Mormon men on “My Husbands Not Gay,” symbolized by the awkward moments of the married guys helping along the lone single same-sex attracted male (the most tragic figure in this program) before his first date. Frankly, when this man meets the unsuspecting woman, who initially does not know that he deals with homosexuality, he looks hungrily at her as if she were his prize ticket into salivation. To me, it was eerily disturbing.
What little exposure I have to Mormonism was through a friend of mine in San Francisco, who had left home about the same time I did: I from just north of Sodom and Gomorrah, while he had traveled from Salt Lake City. His family had completely forsaken him and they regarded their son as dead. I once asked him about it. What he said rather surprised me: they were not so much angry at him for being gay, but for the fact that he would never marry, have children, therefore - nor be with them in eternity. At the time, I didn’t think much of what he said; I merely chocked it up to another example of fundamentalist bigotry. Year later, after he succumbed to AIDS, no one from Utah showed up for the burial. Now, in light of this televion show - I get it. For, in Mormon cosmology, there are three kingdoms in the afterlife: the celestial, terrestrial, and the telestial. The telestial is somewhat analogous to the Catholic vision of hell. The terrestrial kingdom is for the honorable and virtuous people of the world who rejected the gospel message and for those who were baptized but who were subsequently not valiant followers of Christ. Lastly, the celestial kingdom, the Catholic heaven, has two separate classes, those who are sealed to a spouse and those who are not, who will be servants to others. Only those residents of the celestial kingdom who are sealed to a spouse will receive exaltation. With this in mind, the manic frenzy of the guys from “My Husband’s Not Gay” can be explained by their need to get a seat on the mother-ship.
Thankfully, in the Catholic Church, our position in the Lord’s Kingdom is not determined by our marital status. In fact, following St. Paul, Fr. John Harvey, the founder of Courage, put it best: “In the Catholic tradition consecrated celibacy has always been held in high regard. Contrary to widespread opinion, one does not have to be a monk, a nun, or priest to live this kind of live. For those who sincerely desire to be celibate. God’s grace is always present…It is another way of expressing one’s sexuality as John Paul points out in Familiaris Consortio: ‘Marriage and virginity or celibacy are two ways of expressing and living the one mystery of the covenant of God with his people’ (no.16).” The Mormons have no concept such as this. Hence, the unease that I perceive in all the participants on “My Husband’s Not Gay.” For, while there are genuine examples of same-sex attracted men, who, through the healing power of the Holy Spirit, have been able to overcome the homosexual mind-set to a point that they are able to marry women and have children, for some - this remains an impossibility. And, this is also part of God’s plan for us - as I have so abundantly found out over these 15 plus years: the life of the single and chaste man can be a lonely one filled with suffering, but, also one overflowing with Graces and joy. On this aspect of our religion, most non-Catholics are rather dumbfounded; as I follow St. John of the Cross: “Let Christ crucified be enough for you, and with him suffer and take your rest, and hence annilhate yourself in all inward and outward things.” Because, at the end of the day, its not about you and what you want, (the men in “My Husband’s Not Gay kept endlessly repeating that they want family and children) but about dying to self and giving all to the Lord - even if that is a life of suffering.
“For I would that all men were even as myself: but every one hath his proper gift from God; one after this manner, and another after that.
But I say to the unmarried, and to the widows: It is good for them if they so continue, even as I.”
“He that is without a wife, is solicitous for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please God. But he that is with a wife, is solicitous for the things of the world, how he may please his wife: and he is divided.” (1 Cor. 7: 8-9; 32-33)
“We must also remember the great number of single persons who, because of the particular circumstances in which they have to live—often not of their choosing—are especially close to Jesus’ heart and therefore deserve the special affection and active solicitude of the Church, especially of pastors…Some live their situation in the spirit of the Beatitudes, serving God and neighbor in exemplary fashion. The doors of homes, the “domestic churches,” and of the great family which is the Church must be open to all of them. “No one is without a family in this world: the Church is a home and family for everyone, especially those who ‘labor and are heavy laden.’” Catechism of the Catholic Church #1658
LDS links to more on their views of marriage and the afterlife: