St. Augustine once prayed: “Lord, help me to find in You what I was looking for in lust.” So simple, yet so profound. This is the quality that makes all great Christian thinkers; and, which also makes all Saints. Only, St. Augustine was also peculiarly qualified to comment and understand such things as loss, loneliness, depression, and their worldly replacements – such as lust. For, he had known the pains of despair, and, had sought to relieve his suffering with the false remedy of illicit sexual pleasures. So, in this aspect - all our stories are the same: we feel an indescribable sense of lacking, a deep inconsolable need, and that which we inevitably try to self-satisfy. In our modern world, specifically in males, where pornography is held-up as the magical cure-all – boys begin their lives of sexual experimentation by becoming blinded within the haze of endless internet sex sites. As naturally happens, the body responds – and the rush of climax momentarily fills the dark and desolate spaces in our heart. Yet, this false balm is not soothing, but incredibly acidic: it eats away at our linings and creates larger and more cancerous sores. And, the emptiness remains.
In order to stop this deadly cycle of searching, we need to realize what it is that we look for in porn and masturbation: are we pursuing the image of the man we wish we could be; are we yearning for the masculine affirmation that we never got; or, are we just wanting love? Through a process of confession, renunciation, and reconciliation – we can come to realize that all these longings can be fulfilled within the personal God-head of Christ. But, unlike the false menagerie of pornography – a deep relationship with Jesus Christ is something altogether tangible and incredibly real: for, He will hold us in His arms; He will soothe our hurts; and He will give us those missing parts of ourselves – to makes us fully whole. Now, these events, or locutions, can happen in different ways to different people; for instance: St. Thomas Aquinas, one of the greatest minds in the history of humanity, was approached by the Lord in a very cerebral and mentally interior way (I am incredibly oversimplifying here), but, St. Teresa of Avila enjoyed an exceedingly physically mystical encounter with Christ – symbolized by the ecstatic “Transverberation.” Yet, others, in our own time – like Blessed Mother Teresa – who never got to experience the comforting visions she so longed for, but, who gained the highest prize by loving, and receiving love in return, from those who were indeed the likeness of Christ in the poor.*
To the virginal and pure Saints Anthony of Padua, Stanislaus and Rose of Lima, Christ appeared as a child; to those less uncontaminated, such as myself – I see Christ as a man of boldness, suffering, and beauty, but, also of indefinable gentleness and compassion; He is everything I lack; and, in Him, I am made complete.
*“Amen I say to you, as long as you did it not to one of these least, neither did you do it to me. And these shall go into everlasting punishment: but the just, into life everlasting.”